An Explanation...

So surprise surprise, I've been missing a while. A lot has happened in the last few months and although the purpose of this blog is for fashion/beauty - I feel this post will not only help myself, but hopefully help the people around me understand my recent decisions.

So it all comes down to the big 3. The 3 unfortunate things that have bought me to this stage of my life. It's been hard for me to explain, especially to my loved ones who all want the best for me and think my priorities are all wrong, why and how this has happened and made me feel. I hope this will clear it all up. I apologise for the lengthiness, there's a lot to talk about!

1. University
I always questioned why I chose university, I've never really been academic, I hated exams and coursework enough in school but always knew I'd go to uni. I chose my course and career path in about year 9, I always wanted to study sport, originally sports therapy, then sports science. Which is what I did, when the time came to applying for uni I assumed that was still what I wanted to do. Don't get me wrong I was aware of what my course entailed and still thought it was for me. I almost wish I took a year out to truly decide what I wanted, because turns out - it isn't sport. Not one bit. All my course friends had a clear path of what they wanted to do when they graduated and I still had no idea, I knew it wasn't sport related.

This made uni a struggle for me, I lacked motivation and had no interest in what I was studying. The only part I thoroughly enjoyed was my placement, I met some amazing people who really motivated me but at the same time was still so unsure. I kept at it because my friends did and I didn't want to look bad I guess. But truthfully I hated it, I'd struggle to go to lectures and be so intimidated by my friends who knew so much - I thought I had to keep at it as it's something I'd already started and because of how much I'd already paid. It wasn't until the end of second year and me having to resit exams that I knew I was doing the wrong thing - I failed my resit and overall failed second year. This alone was absolutely devastating - I cried for days. I'd not only failed myself but I was so ashamed, I was worried what my parents and friends thought. I was mortified.

This got me questioning what I wanted to do next? But I was persuaded to stick it out and resit the whole year - putting me behind by a year. The first thing I thought of was all my friends graduating without me, it was such a horrible thought. So deciding to stay at it and not give up the 2 years I'd already put in. I received my timetable, I was only in 3 hours on a Friday, that was it. So I'd planned out I'd have a job the other days and still have my weekends free to come home and see my family and Chris. Unfortunately, I just couldn't get a job. I applied for well over 20 and didn't hear back from a single one, my motivation and self belief slowly started going down - it was so hard to explain to people how I was feeling.

2. Cheerleading
I think this part has been the hardest to explain and the hardest part for people to understand. I've been cheerleading as long as I can remember, it's always been something I've done. Even when I moved to Abu Dhabi I had to start my own team because I couldn't not do it. My university was chose based on the Cheerleading team they had. In my first and second year I was part of the competitive team where I've made, honestly some of my best and life long friends. So even though uni was shit for me I knew I'd still have cheer and this would keep me happy.

Try outs came and tbh I thought I did well, there were so many new girls trying out and I was slightly worried, especially as this year there were 2 teams. Results came and I was placed on the second team - also my second choice. I was still so happy to be able to cheer and compete for another year, until I found out I was the only 3rd year returning cheerleader to be put on that team. All my friends were still together on the first team. I was gutted, I couldn't even explain how upset I was. Not due to the fact I was on the second team because the girls were still amazing and I cant tumble which was fair - just that I'd been separated from everyone I'd won all the titles with the last 2 years. I had honestly never been so disheartened and hurt.

I know this sounds stupid to people as 'it's only cheer'. But to me it's not just a uni hobby, it's something I've always had. When things were shit in my life or I felt like giving up I had my team there to help me and make me feel so much better, and knowing I wouldn't have that with the team of my best friends literally broke my heart. I'd failed at uni and now I'd failed at cheer. I felt like I had nothing left for me in Leeds. I decided to use my spare time this year to work my absolute butt off and get my back handspring so I had the chance of moving teams, I really motivated myself to improve - which lastly brings me to my final bit of bad luck.

3. Injury
It was the day after our first training session, I'd been really ill the weekend before and wasn't planning on going out. It was the night of Varsity, which if you don't know - is one of the biggest events and nights out in the whole year. The girls convinced me to go out, it would make me feel so much better - which it did! We were laughing and dancing to the cheesiest music when some drunk idiot fell into the back of me. I don't know how or where they hit my leg but next thing I knew my knee had dislocated again.

Sat in the first aid room of the club, crying (obviously in pain) but also knowing of what was coming. This is the 3rd time my knee has dislocated and I was well aware of the fact I wouldn't be able to cheer for at least 3 months. I was gutted. The last time I saw the surgeon and we discussed my MRI he told me if I was happy it was stable they wouldn't operate, but he warned me - a 3rd time and surgery is a must. I knew there and then there was no cheerleading at all for the whole year, leaving me still hating my course and unable to get a job as I would be on crutches for a while. Superstitious or just plain stupid, but I feel like all these things are a sign not to be in Leeds this year.

So now what?
I've decided to come home for a while, which is where I am now. I live with some of the best girls and some of my other best friends are cheerleaders. I understand leaving Leeds will take me away from all that. But honestly, I don't want to waste 2 more years being completely miserable and feeling down all the time. Which is what has bought me to this stage.

I need to think about myself and what's best for me. Don't get me wrong uni has been the best 2 years of my life, it's how I met Chris and I've made so many memories there - but for now at least, it's not for me. The last thing I want to do is let down the people I love and 'give up' so to say. But walking away is a lot harder than sticking at it. I want to know what's really best for me, I want to have a career I love. And if that means going back to uni in a few years time then so be it. But for now, this is MY choice and I only hope everyone can understand why I'm doing this.

Love as always, Andrea
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